this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
