we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't turn off my feet"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
