if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
