; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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