I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
