does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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