Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
