Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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