i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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