My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
