I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
