We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
