if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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