I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
