I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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