High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
