I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
