I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
