STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
