thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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