watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
