I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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