This is not my ceiling
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
