If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
