So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
