Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
