Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
