the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
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