The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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