Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
