oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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