I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
