This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
