U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
