have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize