He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
