he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
