whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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