So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
