3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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