Umm I'm too high to move.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
