someone threw a dead crab at me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
