Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
