I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
