another moral hangover. fuck.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
