Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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