the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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