Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
