I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize