you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
