i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
