Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
