Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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